Narrative:

After being told to comply with maximum forward airspeed by ATC; the controller slammed the door shut on us just a few seconds from abc intersection. We had no advance planning; notice; time; distance or reason for the hold. We had burned into our planned holding fuel on a clear non-WX day just to help out the ATC system. (ZZZ was using 1 runway and it has 4.) my first officer parroted back the holding instructions as I was saying in his other ear 'no we don't have gas to hold.' as soon as I could break back into the frequency I told the controller that we would not be able to comply with the last request; as abc was now a few mi behind us. In an attempt to stay at least on the depicted side of the holding pattern I began a right turn. We were then countermanded to make a left turn to a 320 degree heading. As I looked at our fuel state; fuel burn; speed; alternate; missed approach probability; traffic; altitude; location; ATC's self-imposed idiocy; WX; schedule; runway conditions; approach briefing; length of time since waking; fatigue; aircraft condition; blood sugar level; emotional state; physiological needs; and a few other things. I told the controller that we were 'minimum fuel.' I did not have the ability to hold; fly a 30 mi final at 160 KTS; miss the approach; go around and impart my fiduciary duty of safe operation of a commercial jetliner full of people. She said after a few exchanges and semantics challenges that she would declare an emergency 'for us.' a handoff to the next controller occurred and we landed at ZZZ. As pilots we always try to comply with reasonable requests but we cannot fix a broken system or controller's problem with just the push of a button. Next time I think instead of answering the question of 'how many mins of fuel are remaining' I will say; 10 mins until I become uncomfortable; 20 mins until one or the other engine flames out due to maneuvering; or faulty fuel probes; 30 mins until the pumps start to cavitate and 40 mins until gravity continues its earthly pull and wins. We either need to have 20000 pounds arrival fuel for ZZZ; or get over to the TRACON and control towers with gift baskets of fruit; cheese; wine and spirits as well as a few company logo t-shirts; hats; buttons; fly free tickets; and brown paper bags of cash in order to appease the system's apparent response to our increase of flying at ZZZ.

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Original NASA ASRS Text

Title: ACR CAPT LAMENTS THE LACK OF COORDINATION BETWEEN ARTCC SECTORS AND IS UNABLE TO ACCEPT HOLDING AFTER COMPLYING WITH BEST FORWARD SPEED REQUEST FROM PREVIOUS CONTROLLER.

Narrative: AFTER BEING TOLD TO COMPLY WITH MAX FORWARD AIRSPD BY ATC; THE CTLR SLAMMED THE DOOR SHUT ON US JUST A FEW SECONDS FROM ABC INTXN. WE HAD NO ADVANCE PLANNING; NOTICE; TIME; DISTANCE OR REASON FOR THE HOLD. WE HAD BURNED INTO OUR PLANNED HOLDING FUEL ON A CLR NON-WX DAY JUST TO HELP OUT THE ATC SYS. (ZZZ WAS USING 1 RWY AND IT HAS 4.) MY FO PARROTED BACK THE HOLDING INSTRUCTIONS AS I WAS SAYING IN HIS OTHER EAR 'NO WE DON'T HAVE GAS TO HOLD.' AS SOON AS I COULD BREAK BACK INTO THE FREQ I TOLD THE CTLR THAT WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO COMPLY WITH THE LAST REQUEST; AS ABC WAS NOW A FEW MI BEHIND US. IN AN ATTEMPT TO STAY AT LEAST ON THE DEPICTED SIDE OF THE HOLDING PATTERN I BEGAN A R TURN. WE WERE THEN COUNTERMANDED TO MAKE A L TURN TO A 320 DEG HDG. AS I LOOKED AT OUR FUEL STATE; FUEL BURN; SPD; ALTERNATE; MISSED APCH PROBABILITY; TFC; ALT; LOCATION; ATC'S SELF-IMPOSED IDIOCY; WX; SCHEDULE; RWY CONDITIONS; APCH BRIEFING; LENGTH OF TIME SINCE WAKING; FATIGUE; ACFT CONDITION; BLOOD SUGAR LEVEL; EMOTIONAL STATE; PHYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS; AND A FEW OTHER THINGS. I TOLD THE CTLR THAT WE WERE 'MINIMUM FUEL.' I DID NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO HOLD; FLY A 30 MI FINAL AT 160 KTS; MISS THE APCH; GAR AND IMPART MY FIDUCIARY DUTY OF SAFE OP OF A COMMERCIAL JETLINER FULL OF PEOPLE. SHE SAID AFTER A FEW EXCHANGES AND SEMANTICS CHALLENGES THAT SHE WOULD DECLARE AN EMER 'FOR US.' A HDOF TO THE NEXT CTLR OCCURRED AND WE LANDED AT ZZZ. AS PLTS WE ALWAYS TRY TO COMPLY WITH REASONABLE REQUESTS BUT WE CANNOT FIX A BROKEN SYS OR CTLR'S PROB WITH JUST THE PUSH OF A BUTTON. NEXT TIME I THINK INSTEAD OF ANSWERING THE QUESTION OF 'HOW MANY MINS OF FUEL ARE REMAINING' I WILL SAY; 10 MINS UNTIL I BECOME UNCOMFORTABLE; 20 MINS UNTIL ONE OR THE OTHER ENG FLAMES OUT DUE TO MANEUVERING; OR FAULTY FUEL PROBES; 30 MINS UNTIL THE PUMPS START TO CAVITATE AND 40 MINS UNTIL GRAVITY CONTINUES ITS EARTHLY PULL AND WINS. WE EITHER NEED TO HAVE 20000 LBS ARR FUEL FOR ZZZ; OR GET OVER TO THE TRACON AND CTL TWRS WITH GIFT BASKETS OF FRUIT; CHEESE; WINE AND SPIRITS AS WELL AS A FEW COMPANY LOGO T-SHIRTS; HATS; BUTTONS; FLY FREE TICKETS; AND BROWN PAPER BAGS OF CASH IN ORDER TO APPEASE THE SYSTEM'S APPARENT RESPONSE TO OUR INCREASE OF FLYING AT ZZZ.

Data retrieved from NASA's ASRS site as of January 2009 and automatically converted to unabbreviated mixed upper/lowercase text. This report is for informational purposes with no guarantee of accuracy. See NASA's ASRS site for official report.